This one made me crack up!

Enjoy!

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Seems not so many found the "Latest posts" site!

Well here i go:

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.


Ouch

Those are all good ones! Not much of a joke here, but I did have a dream that Mikey_C and I both died and went to Heaven. When we both woke up in Heaven, I noticed that I was tied with golden rope to an extremely ugly woman, and Mikey_C was tied to an absolutely beautiful woman, the likes of which I had never seen before.

After all of us stood there tied up for a while, St. Peter came strolling in and greeted us to Heaven, and asked if we had any questions. Not missing a beat, I quickly spoke up:

"St. Peter, why am I tied to this horribly ugly woman?"

"Sauron, you're being punished for your sins that you weren't able to repent before you died."

"So why is Mikey_C tied up to an extraordinarily beautiful woman then?"

"Oh, that's simple; she's being punished for her sins."

:)

Is Mikey_C not a good looking man then?

@Mitch

Oh, he's gorgeous, just look at his avatar! :)

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

Here's one I heard from my friend's 8 year old daughter:

Why did the fish cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.

@ Sister_Rita

Just imagine a Greek Gringo


Voila

Mikey_C

@MikeyC

hows about a few more jokes

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo !!

@poweramiga

(and to spite Outcast)

90 And Going Strong

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

LOL

Jerry

@ Mukky_C


Groan.

Not bad though !!

hehe

One Sentence Short Story

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,"NO" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up.


THE END

A woman noticed that a man was masturbating in a hospital room with the door wide open. "Oh my God!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry...but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he'll die within minutes."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's OK," commented the women.

In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed: "Oh my God! How can THAT be justified?"

The doctor replied..."Same Illness ..Better health plan

True blonde story:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo?

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year.....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.