Jokes! and More Jokes! :-) (Adult Humour)

I haven't posted any good jokes in ages, so I thought, I'd post some to try and cheer you all up, please feel free to post your own.

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat.

The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino.

The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.




A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'


And finally, a clean one.

There Is No Fish There

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!

@Mikey_C

Quote:And still you insist on trying?

Best regards,

Niels

@nbache
Quote:

ROTFLMAO

@nbache

Alright wiseguy, lets see you do better!

@Mikey_C
Hmm, let's see ... I did already, didn't I? At least *I* got a "ROTFLMAO".

Best regards,

Niels

(P.S. No, really, you're doing just fine, Mikey, I just couldn't resist the obvious response there.)

A woman took a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, your Duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything.. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few
moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also
sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then
the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "?250!", she
cried, "?250 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the
bill would have been ?20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it's now ?250.00."

@All

Great... That keep me busy !

Jerry

@mike_c & AJS:

Top score for the dead duck closely followed by the wedding.



Well, nBache scored pretty good too. ;)

I never seem to remember any good stories.

@all

Two Indians and a Redneck were walking in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. He hollered into the cave, "Wooooo! Wooooo!Woooooo!" and then listened until he heard the answer......."Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He then proceeded to tear his clothes off and run into the cave.
The Redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the Indian crazy or something? "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", and get an answer back it means that she is in there waiting to mate with you."

Just about then, this Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Woooo! Wooooo!" When he heard the return "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", off came his clothes and into the cave he went.

Well, the Redneck started thinking about all of this and decided to find a cave for himself so off he went running around the desert searching. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw a great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Yeehaa! look at the size of that thre cave. it's waaay bigger than the one them no good Indians found!"

Well, he took off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" as loud as he could. He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of "WOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!"

Off came his clothes and, with a huge smile on his face, he raced into the cave.....

The next day in the newspaper, the headline read.......

"NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the
night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Actual science tests report

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.



When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.



credit:AHAJOKES.com

These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants
complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore..

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6
a.m. His cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour &
not fit to drink.

16.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Quote:
Hi Mikey_C,


Well, not sure what this means, but....

Youtube.

Some computer programming laws:

Every program is outdated when it's run the first time.

Every program will cost more and takes more time.

If a program is useful, you must replace it for some reason.

If a program is useless, you must get it documented.

Every program will expand that way, it will use all the RAM you have.

Price/Value of every program is related to it's weight in printed form.

Every program will become more complicated, until a programmer doesn't have skills to continue any more.

If the first test run works perfectly, any further runs won't work ever again.

When a program has been in use at least six months, the worst bug is found.

If an input device is designed to prevent all erroneous input, some clever fool will find a way, how to insert erroneous data anyway.

The system will crash only, when a system administrator is in vacation.

Swearing is the only language, which every programmer knows perfectly.

@TSK
A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,
humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she was
so happy. She said, "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the
breasts of a twenty year old."

The husband then asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?"

"Your name didn't come up in our conversation." She replied.


This lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a
turkey on her upper right thigh. She goes back to the same tattoo parlor
two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on
her upper left thigh.

Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos.

She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

@Mikey_C

And oldies...

*Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley *

*"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only ?10 for 24 cans", he says *

*"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping... *

*A few aisles later the woman picks up a ?20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. *

*"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.* *The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE" *

Jerry

@Mikey_C

They are amongst us
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/wales/7489457.stm

@AmiGame

Had to edit your link, typo.

Here's my jokes
Harry's Exam

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too

smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter

than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry

waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and

behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed

to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and

delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of

heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."


The Shortest Books

The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook


Heck, Even I can add a few myself...
* Places to Overtake in Gibraltar
* Guide to Open Fields in Gibraltar
and of course my personal favourite, The Gibraltar Dictionary, missing the words, Quick, Fast, Hurry up and pronto!

@TSK

Quote:

And somne bugs arithmetics (from Unix man pages):

BUGS
As of fvwm 2.2 there were exactly 46.144 unidentified bugs.
Identified bugs have mostly been fixed, though. Since then
12.25 bugs have been fixed. Assuming that there are at
least 10 unidentified bugs for every identified one, that
leaves us with 46.144 - 12.25 + 10 * 12.25 = 156.395
unidentified bugs. If we follow this to its logical
conclusion we will have an infinite number of unidentified
bugs before the number of bugs can start to diminish, at
which point the program will be bug-free. Since this is a
computer program infinity = 3.4028e+38 if you don't insist
on double-precision. At the current rate of bug discovery
we should expect to achieve this point in 4.27e+27 years. I
guess I better plan on passing this thing on to my
children....

Hehe: me hits evil post count

Jack

@All

This is worth the effort, its on you tube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Achmed the dead terrorist!

Edit: Correct URL added. - Hilarious!