First Jokes of 2009 :-)

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian



Ever wondered about
Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in a sale in the second shop. In the third everything was reduced to a fiver when her mobile rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had been involved in a terrible accident and was in a critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit.
The woman told the doctor to tell her husband where she was and that she would be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realised that she was leaving what was turning out to be her best ever day in the shops. She decided to get in a few more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake , complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

The she remembered her husband and, feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you ? I hope you are proud of yourself. While you were in town enjoying yourself your husband was languishing here in the Intensive Care Unit. Well it's just as well you did because it's more than likely to have been the last shopping trip you will take. For the rest of his life your husband will require round the clock care and you will be his carer. '

The woman broke down and sobbed

The female doctor chuckled and said ' I'm only pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy ?'


Mikey_C

@Mikey_C

I thought your New Year's resolution was to quit telling jokes!

The first one is great!